If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…

… then at least say it differently.

The Chaps do admit to a continuing love affair with language —

“a continuing love affair with language;the sound of their own voices” — fixed that for you, you’re welcome

Have it your own way. Couple that with a love of the pithy insult — yes, this definitely reflects our feelings.

and you’ll understand how our interest was piqued by a recent tweet from The Canary. Apart from being rude enough to call the UK Foreign Secretary ‘a bag of gas

No argument from this quarter

and illustrating it thusly

it prompted one David Simon (he of “The Wire“) to retweet with a most delightful addition — a preamble describing Boris as a “Low-bottom taintsniff.” Witness a literary lion in action! We love it.

The Other Chap may perhaps recall a gift of a wall chart of Shakespearian insults?

itself giving rise to a rather nice mug.

Perhaps we should offer it as some sort of prize for something?

We did. I won.

A Different Kind of Pizzagate

The Future of Pizza Ordering According To Cambridge Analytica. Is this in our ‘not too distant’ future?

Picture the scenario – the other chap is now working at a well known Pizza company…..

“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?”

“No sir – it’s Google Pizza.”

“I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.”

“No sir – Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.”

“OK.  I would like to order a pizza.”

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual – you know me?”

“According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses – sausage – pepperoni – mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.”

“OK – that’s what I want.”

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta – arugula – sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?”

“What?  I detest vegetables.”

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

“How the hell do you know?”

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!   I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

“Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.”

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

“That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.”

“I paid in cash.”

“But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”

“I have other sources of cash.”

“That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

“I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

“Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google – Facebook – Twitter – WhatsApp and all the others!!   I’m going to an island without internet – cable TV – where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!”

“I understand sir – but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago!”

Redundancy

Apparently the other chap has a friend in town who has brought with him his ‘mini uke’. This chap was just wondering if the ‘mini’ is redundant?

I’ll see your mini-uk and raise you a ‘biggun.

If Trump Wants A Grand Parade…

Then a grand parade, by golly, he should have.

Of course, in a version suitably sized to the attendance at his inauguration, and tailored to both his musical taste and knowledge of military technology. The Chaps are happy to offer a preview.

So, a grand-ish parade, then.

At best…

No, no need to thank us. Our pleasure.

You can read the original story here.

Did you note the marching on that Naval chief?

Certainly did. Cadet Bone Spurs could probably do as well.

Well, if it were not for him being who he is…

Build The Wall Or Build The Hedge

Build The Hedge

Thanks to Atlas Obscura for this obscure fact in the atlas …

The British Once Built a 1,100-Mile Hedge Through the Middle of India

Build The Hedge
Illustration By Nigel Sussman via Atlas Obscura

Telling … and maybe a lesson for the ‘wall’ advocates ….

Through the whole of its existence, the Great Hedge of India was beset by difficulties and never quite accomplished its purpose.

The article is worth a read if only for such lines as ..

More than a century later, the writer Moxham went looking for traces of this living monument to British hegemony and persistence.

Urine Luck

Or, perhaps, it’s just an ad campaign.

Ah yes … technology at its highest calling and delivering the best. A newspaper insert treated to indicate pregnancy if peed on.

“Widdle here, get a discounted crib” is the pitch.

And … goes on to note the estimable Guardian … that they’re not even the first with this, er, novel — channel? tactic? Continue reading “Urine Luck”