Don’t Judge A Book By Its Covers

This chap has another blog – People First – over here, where recently he has been writing some short – very short – stories based on conversations he has had with people he meets.

He just wrote this story based on a semi overheard conversation – which somehow didn’t seem to fit the thread of the other site – but seemed perfect for here … so, without further ado …

“What you mean is that you don’t know!”

“What will he say?”

“Seriously?”

“Well look – he’s going to be OK … but … “

“How could you?”

Half heard exchanges. Well – not really exchanges, the words were all coming from the little guy. The ‘alpha dog’.

gang-tattoos

The big guy. The one with ‘the tats’ is silent, just looking – unclear if he was listening but lets say if you passed him on a street, you’d probably cross the road. He is absolutely not someone you want to meet on your own around the allies and arches of London Bridge. Which is where the three of us were heading.
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Sometimes You Overlook The Obvious

This chap just had a read of this. It is a Russian propaganda guide to stealing your roommates Burrito.

It struck him that they missed the obvious one:

“Roommate mysteriously falls from radioactive park bench, dies of broken neck. D-Notice issued.”

Never eschew the obvious. Or the unbelievable. Both can defeat the application of Occam’s Razor. Not that it can’t be misapplied, of course…

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Salt and Pepper

The chaps are oft brought to write about observations they see, read and hear. This piece is different. This piece is a simple story of a real-life experience. That said – as always – we hope the opinion seeps through!

This chap won’t name the place, to protect the innocent. Suffice to say, a restaurant known for their breakfast and highly rated at that.

Breakfast served, and this chap asked if he could get some Salt and Pepper.

Once the waiter understood that when asking for Salt and Pepper, this chap meant that he would like some Salt and Pepper, said waiter wandered off (this chap assumed) to get some Salt and Pepper.

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If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…

… then at least say it differently.

The Chaps do admit to a continuing love affair with language —

“a continuing love affair with language;the sound of their own voices” — fixed that for you, you’re welcome

Have it your own way. Couple that with a love of the pithy insult — yes, this definitely reflects our feelings.

and you’ll understand how our interest was piqued by a recent tweet from The Canary. Apart from being rude enough to call the UK Foreign Secretary ‘a bag of gas

No argument from this quarter

and illustrating it thusly

it prompted one David Simon (he of “The Wire“) to retweet with a most delightful addition — a preamble describing Boris as a “Low-bottom taintsniff.” Witness a literary lion in action! We love it.

The Other Chap may perhaps recall a gift of a wall chart of Shakespearian insults?

itself giving rise to a rather nice mug.

Perhaps we should offer it as some sort of prize for something?

We did. I won.

A Different Kind of Pizzagate

The Future of Pizza Ordering According To Cambridge Analytica. Is this in our ‘not too distant’ future?

Picture the scenario – the other chap is now working at a well known Pizza company…..

“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?”

“No sir – it’s Google Pizza.”

“I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.”

“No sir – Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.”

“OK.  I would like to order a pizza.”

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual – you know me?”

“According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses – sausage – pepperoni – mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.”

“OK – that’s what I want.”

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta – arugula – sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?”

“What?  I detest vegetables.”

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

“How the hell do you know?”

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!   I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

“Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.”

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

“That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.”

“I paid in cash.”

“But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”

“I have other sources of cash.”

“That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

“I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

“Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google – Facebook – Twitter – WhatsApp and all the others!!   I’m going to an island without internet – cable TV – where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!”

“I understand sir – but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago!”